My Best Facebook Lists

To date, these are my best Facebook lists that I can find. There is actually 1 more I wish I could find, but somehow lost 🙁  Number “8” seems to always add character!!!

 

Today, I found out a friend of mine, SFC LeBoeuf, just finalized his 3rd divorce last week. Given his vast experience in remarrying (he has been married to 150% more women than I intend to in my lifetime), I asked for words of advice. This is what he gave me (I quote – with edits so my grandma doesn’t get too offended):

1) If she has a great job, don’t let her quit.
2) If her parents say there is something wrong with her – F!@#ing listen
3) Never let her buy you F!@#ing expensive sh#! because they will hold it over you
4) If you own it, don’t add their name to it
5) Prenup
6) Handle all finances
7) If you have outside interests/hobbies while dating, test the limits because eventually she will want you to cuddle during that time instead

He followed all this up with one of the reasons he learned all this:

“I learned all this because I married a different person each time”

Saturday May 26, 2012

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Health hazards encountered in the half-mile walk from my work area to the cafeteria:

1) Large rocks to twist my ankles on (again)
2) Aerosolized sand making visibility so bad I walk into T-walls
3) Bad Kuwaiti drivers speeding by
4) Carbon Monoxide from the generators
5) Risk of dehydration, heat exhaustion, or sunburn from the big, fiery ball in the sky
6) Walking past the smoking shack and being exposed to second hand cancer causing smoke
7) Scratched eye-pro clouding visibility of higher ranking Soldiers so you miss a salute (oops)
8) Fecal contamination from on-going porta-potty sanitation services
9) Unknown flying objects hurling toward your face due to high desert winds (see my face in earlier posts)
10) Body odor emanating from those walking with you to the cafeteria

Thanks to my new NCOIC for her assistance in identifying these health hazards. — with Vanessa Pelesasa.

23 May 2012

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Best Drinks on Deployment

– Water
– Greenbeans Coffee
– O’Douls
– Rip Its
– Shock coffee
– Grapefruit juice
– Pit Bull (sugarfree)
– V8
– Powdered Gatorade mix

22 May 2012

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Things that are liberating:

1) Smacking someone’s face who I am mad at (I did not come up with this one, though I can see how it could be liberating)
2) Going commando
3) Not checking email until just before lunch
4) Climbing into the plane to leave Kuwait
5) Telling someone a recurring thought that is difficult to articulate

19 May 2012

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Names people have called me since being attacked by a stage:

1) Wolverine Wound
2) Tiger Face
3) Stage
4) Scratchy
5) Mark of the Tigre

17 May 2012

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Here are the movie characters (not actors) who could play me in a movie:

1) Neo (The Matrix)
2) Mark Zuckerberg (The Social Network)
3) Rick O’Connell (The Mummy)
4) Han Solo (Star Wars)
5) Garth Algar (Wayne’s World)
6) Dominic Toretto (Fast and Furious)
7) Peter Gibbons (Office Space)
8) Rambo (First Blood)
9) Kevin Flynn (Tron)
10) Ricky Vaughn (Major League)

I think each would portray a unique aspect of who I am through their characterization 🙂

5 May 2012

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Things that stick in your head:

1) Sand (from the Kuwaiti desert and the sandstorm last night)
2) Migraine
3) Beez in the Trap
4) Taenia solium (tapeworm from undercooked pork)
5) Conversion disorder (imaginary disease with physical manifestations)
6) Phantosmia (olfactory hallucinations)
7) Portapotty smell (it’s everywhere – might now be a combination of #6 and PTSD from smelling the cleaning trucks so often)
8) Cholesterol plaque (stroke)
9) Prions
10) Loa loa (parasitic worm who lives in the eyeball)

3 May 2012

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Top 10 reasons I loved Toby Keith’s concert tonight at Camp Buehring:

1) Should’ve Been a Cowboy – to a crowd of Cav Soldiers from Texas
2) Ballad of Balad – A song about a lying Army Recruiter
3) How Do You Like Me Now?! – guest solo by random Soldier from the crowd who could NOT sing on key
4) I’ll Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again – A true story
5) Who’s Your Daddy?
6) Beer for My Horses
7) I Love This Bar – Especially the 4th verse where he starts with we have cougars, good looking divorcees …
8) Red Solo Cup – I think his actually HAD beer in it!
9) A Little Less Talk and a Lot More Action – medley where he switch to a Ted Nugent song
10)Some random new song with the lyrics: Get out of your clothes, or get out of my car
11) American Soldier
12) Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue

… ok, maybe I needed 12 reasons – it was awesome

26 April 2012

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Porta Potty TTPs for Undisclosed Middle East Locations

Initiating phase (Phase 0):
1) Note daily temperature variations and train your body accordingly – it is no fun to cook in 130F or freeze in 40F – and the desert reaches both of those

Planning phase (Phase 1)
2) Forgo the idea of reading material
3) Assure availability of baby wipes at all times

Executing phase (Phase 2)
4) Chose the least malodorous spot (often one recently cleaned and has a full stock of toilet paper)
5) Remove uniform top and hang on the makeshift hook
6) Cover the toilet seat with toilet paper to protect yourself from grossness (as evidence suggests you can’t really catch diseases from toilet seats)
7) Remove pants and carefully sit down without dislodging the psychologically protective toilet paper barrier

Controlling phase (Phase 3)
8) Relax your anal sphincters (internal and external) and allow the rectal peristaltic waves empty your ampulla recti

Concluding phase (Phase 4)
9) Wipe
10) Use hand sanitizer
11) Close toilet cover so you do not drop anything into it (again)
12) Use hand sanitizer
13) Put on uniform top
14) Use hand sanitizer
15) Leave discretely so no one knows who smelled it up

25 April 2012

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What Would Make Up My Dream “Man Cave”

1) Regulation Dart Board
2) Sign stating “No women, unless escorted by a real man”
3) Arcade basketball hoop thing
4) Massage chair, like the one we used at COS Kalsu
5) At least one Way to prepare 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine (caffeine) for ingestion
6) Flat screen TV with surround sound for movies/sports/music
7) Access to a grill and a place to eat Nacho’s
8) Ramen noodles
9) Urinal in the bathroom
10) Prints of the 2 maja paintings by Francisco Goya hung similarly to how their original owner, Prime Minister Manuel de Godoy, did – to add a bit of class and sofistication

24 April 2012

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Today’s inspiration for intellectual stimulation comes from my habit of drinking 2 glasses of grapefruit juice at every meal (6 glasses/day). As most people know, grapefruit interacts with many drugs, mostly due to its high content of furanocoumarin derivatives, so what follows is a quick list of medications I cannot currently take:

benzodiazepines, sertraline (Zoloft), atorvastatin (Lipitor), nifedipine, losartan, modafinil (Provigil), levothyroxine (Synthroid), amiodarone, carvedilol (Coreg), sildenafil (Viagra), codeine, omeprazole (Prilosec), quetiapine (Seroquel), methadone, loperamide (Imodium), colchicine, acetaminophen (Tylenol), and many, many more…

21 April 2012

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I did an informal survey asking, “What is your favorite thing the Army has done for you?” Numbers 1-3 are the ones I came up with, though I don’t necessarily disagree with the rest.

1) My education (also echoed by others I asked the question to)
2) Lasik (others also added PRK and even a “free nose job”)
3) Button fly on the pants (pure awesomeness)
4) Ability to meet cool people
5) Exposure to foreign cultures (one person said “too many F*%$ cultures)
6) Providing medical care for 2 kids over 25 days in civilian NICU’s with no cost
7) Opportunity to wear the same clothes every day (not on my list for personal reasons)
8) Exercise is part of the duty day – we are PAID to exercise
9) Possibility to have girlfriends (or boyfriends – for you gals) from all around the World
10) Frequent all expenses paid camping trips in tents

… Ok, maybe #10 is a joke.

14 April 2012